What bothers me

The pace at which the world is going. More on that later because its generic enough for me to remember. 

(My) Short term memory:

All the times I am living my life, but without context. I get that that is why having goals are important to guide yourself at those moments. That’s why its important to have integrity and a personality. And I am malleable at most times.

Exercising is important because you won’t be this fit forever. And the reason we fail to act on it is because we’re reading those words without context. But the context you need is this: It is not going to be easy for your loved ones to take off time to take care of you. It’s not going to be easy for you when you get old and your body is paining, when you’re short of breath, when you’re hurt and tired and there are things to be done. That’s why its important to exercise. That’s why you need to take care of your body: it is one of the very few things that you can control. 

Spending money:

Perhaps it has been ingrained in me, perhaps it’s something I’ve just absorbed through internalization. You do need to save for a rainy day. You need money for something that is going to last longer than the clothes your wearing or the shoes that give you oomph. Rich or comfortable or none of those… I believe its important to have control over your spending. Some control. Because money can get you a lot of things and you shouldn’t waste it away simply because you can. 

There are books to buy. Places to go. Parents that I owe my life to, I will not abandon them in any goddamn way. Children to raise. Values to retain. To have some depth and forethought. To be you. 

I am not completely ashamed of my shopping spree. I didn’t waste it away on crap, everything was decent. And I do not want to look like a slob. 

Tidbits:

Just because a person spouts their opinion at every turn does not mean that they are right. It is not right to pour money at something just because it is pretty. That is childishness. 

I feel like its about time I take the plunge and start living life instead of hiding behind the gates. This is because I don’t want the real world to be forced upon me. I want to be ok in it. Personally it translates into go out more: to the bank, on walks with parents, to even bloody Mcdonalds instead of ordering in. Get used to the wide variety of people I see on the bus and not feel so surprised ( I used to do this before!). Give up your seat for elders. Get more uncomfortable.

To make special events SPECIAL. I want to try harder at this, simply because I really suck at it. 

Also understood that I don’t need to sort people into those that I like and those that I don’t and then be borderline hostile to those that I don’t particularly like. 

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Trial 2: AngelFall and World After.

Monday through Wednesday I read two books. They are, as the title suggests, AngelFall and World After; the first two books in the Penryn and the End of the World series. This is YA Fantasy *gold*. Believe me it is.. Here is why you should ABSOLUTELY read the books:

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1. Penryn

Penryn is one serious kick ass heroine. Set in a post apocalyptic world she not only has to care for her schizophrenic mother and seven year old baby sister, she also has to think about things like survival and food. Penryn is amazing, she’s funny, tough, caring, sweet and deals with issues head on and doesn’t run away from them. She’s not perfect of course, she has her vulnerabilities and faults.

2. Raffe

Oh, Raffe! Raffe is just plain sexy. And the banter that goes back and forth between them! They’re memorable to say they very least, going from hilarious, to sweet, to funny and cocky. Raffe is interesting right from the beginning. I mean we get introduced to him in the middle of a major tussle where he gets his wings cut off. You know he’s made up of strong stuff when he’s still able to fight after that, when four other demons fly away when a bleeding, wingless Raffe has his sword in hand. Susan Ee could have turned him into so many many cliches (a certainly sparkly weirdo) but oh no, she’s smarter than that. We see the stark differences between the two main characters, we see his age and experience. He’s more than just a sexy angel with a sarcastic sense of humour.

3. Its not *just* about Penryn and Raffe.

Post apocalyptic world remember? The plot does not revolve around the two main characters. The romance side of it blooms slowly, perhaps too slowly even. But that does nothing but leave us wanting more! Penryn has to get back her kidnapped little sister. Yes, the angel with her provides good company but she knows that once their deal is done, they go their separate ways. He’s an angel! In the current environment, they’re arch enemies! She even tries to glean some intel off of him!

4. Secondary characters.

They’re secondary characters, we don’t see them that often but each and everyone of them leave a mark. From her mom and DeeDum to Beliel and Obi. You’re left with a sense of who they are and what makes them tick. How often does that happen?! Each of them have their quirks, and it works to take you further into the plot, it works with you to identify with them.

5. Overall Plot

There are so many layers here! Why does Raffe get his wings cut off? Why is Paige taken away? What happens to her? What is the Resistance doing? Why are the angels here? How on earth is this all going to end? And what, oh, what is going to happen to Penryn? What’s going to happen to her and Raffe?

When I Finally Get a Hold of Myself

Its been so incredibly fucking difficult to hang on to myself lately! 

I’ve changed and I am changing. But what my mind lingers on is all the negativity. There’s a constant buzz of gossip, negativity and an impending sense of doom. I’ve been going around in circles a LOT lately. I’ve been pushing myself to change a little here and a little there. Not getting the point in a lot of circumstances. Getting mindfucked every so often. And having tiny little epiphanies that give meaning to the little canvas I’ve been painting on for the last three months. 

The world can be a lot of things, multiple attractions at once, a sea of loneliness sometimes, a babble of voices trying to outdo one another. Sometimes I forget that the point of living is to go through tough times and go through all the sad, shitty stuff. That is living: growing, changing, feeling.The chaos and confusion are a part of it. The slow understanding of the mess of strings around you is living. Stepping into a world that will not givie you anything and playing it safe all the time, means you lose by default, in the words of the wonderfully brilliant JK Rowling. 

Intensity is and has always been my middle name. I’ve been forgetting it too damn often. 

What REALLY marked my college life, that I so often tagged to be pathetic, was that painful year of change. And even that downward slide I had for an entire semester after that which pretty much undid all that I had learnt… It let me have two people in my life that I can trust despite not always being able to connect to. 

Painful year of change: I need to start one of those right now. I’m done with this static bullshit. Listening to what’s expected of me, being scared to push myself in the name of balance (I’m aiming for it, I’m just leaving my fears behind). 

There’s all that corporate bullshit about how you have to behave, sticking to certain guidelines. blah blah… Well screw that, I am going to let my freak flag wave. I’m not going to worry about how I ought to socialize more. I’m not going to worry if I”m doing enough. I’m not going to think about happiness, because not only can I switch from sadness to happiness at times, but I can also find happiness in sadness. Because being safe and happy within that perimeter isn’t living. Because holding yourself back and being lazy isn’t good under any damn circumstance. Because goofing off  when you have the fucking capacity to do better isn’t something to be proud of. 

Of responsibilities and running away from them

One of the things that I’ve been struggling about from the very beginning was about what I ought to concentrate on since I’m juggling so many things. I answered this question to a level a while back, I realised what I needed to do was to balance it out, and pay due to regard to everything I’ve taken on.

I never really did it. 

I was concentrating on work, because to be very honest it was something that I could just do.It was the easiest thing to do. And while I basked in that glory, I quite happily ignored all my other responsibilities. During weekends, my mind went foggy. I always found myself hounded by things like house work or making plans to meet someone or, more importantly, this endless thought process in my mind about things I should do and analyzing the things that stuck out during the week. Basically, my mind was idle.

 This week my mind was foggy because initially I wasn’t clear on what I had to do and then, I was just fishing blindly, so that got frustrating too. I was wondering why I had such a conscience about work but I guess it isn’t that at all. To me, it really is a way to run away and escape from all my other responsibilities, because work is a completely reliable scapegoat. 

Another major change has been the fact that I am… Wow, how do I say this. I am free. I’m not bound by the rules or the routine time structure of school and college. And I am still grappling with that change! Rather perversely, I think, I sometimes find myself needing that crutch to categorize myself and other people. I wasn’t following that mantra I have come to really trust: to just do what you have to do with all your heart, irrespective of what may happen. Earlier, this applied to studies because, boy did I have a problem with that! 

But now, especially with this new found freedom, I think I have to embrace all of my responsibilities instead of so easily pushing away the things I don’t want to do in the name of work. I’m going to give some time to studies (you can not imagine look of defeat on my face right now!), to keeping the house tidy, to spending time with my folks, to working out (another long struggle there) and to all the outings and meet ups. As for work, I think I put in my all when I’m here; reading and writing… travel time 🙂

What I’m “supposed” to do

A certain conversation with a friend got me thinking about that ambiguous question of what we’re “supposed” to do at work. Considering how new I am at this, it’s come up a lot, and today morning while on the way to work, I figured it out! At least with respect to myself. 

The reason why I took up engineering in computer science was because it was something I just got, from the very beginning. The reason why it seemed plausible to think of a career in it was because it engaged me enough to silence my ever complaining mind. So that’s the history. Now though, what I want to do just really do my job well. And that’s nothing but do what work is assigned to me in the best was that I can. And that’s it. 

I want to be happy. I want to have balance. I don’t want to overdo this simply because someone told me that they’re looking for a poster boy/girl to market. I am simply me and I will do what I can, that’s it. There are a lot of supposed to be’s that anyone can tell you about, it’s nothing but an idealized circumstance. And life is anything but ideal. It’s complex, varied, layered, mind-blowing, overwhelming. And work is only one aspect of life. So yes, I don’t dream of getting awards, I don’t dream of being recognized for being some super awesome creature that does things that I can’t even begin to fathom. On a side note, I do dream of getting published, but I keep telling myself to concentrate on the writing first!

All of this, in a very long winded way got me thinking about how my messy college years were an example of not getting what you want but getting exactly what you need. It gave me the security to take the plunge, a leap of faith, if need be.

Monday Morning Realizations

Today, I learned that day to day happiness is all about living in the present. That a day can be neither particularly good nor bad… But considering the fact I seemed to have found time to ponder on that question, I can probably think of something more worthwhile to spend my time on. Even if I’m tired and exhausted. 

When I think of happiness I’d think of a big smile on my face, that the world is my oyster, that breath taking freshness of mind and spirit. While that is definitely a form of happiness and joy, I think day to day happiness is something else altogether. I think it just involves taking care of all your responsibilities, while understanding that they are your responsibilities and not procrastinate over it with, oh my god, I hate this, I wish I could be doing something else. Another thing that comes with being an adult, is that you actually have the freedom to take a break when you want to! A five minute break, a half an hour break, what ever you need, so that you can come back stronger. 

Every Monday, after the weekend daze, I come back to work and learn to control and pace myself out evenly. This is one of those lessons 🙂

I just wanted to put down my thoughts today.

  • Left to my own devices, I am a very lazy person. I can procrastinate like hell. But I’m trying to get over it. I took a first step today, by working out even when I was “late” and with that same determination I will continue tomorrow. I will plan my writing and will not procrastinate on that either, because I have a long way to go and every writer talks about how much you just need to sit down and do it for a bit everyday.
  • Sometimes you don’t need to have an opinion on everything. Someone said something about someone… I don’t necessarily have to form my own opinion of the said person. I can just leave it at ok, I don’t know them enough to come to any sort of conclusion.
  • Work is just work. When something takes such a big part of your day, boundaries are important. Thinking about it and worrying about it takes away all the precious time you have for yourself.

I didn’t have a plan yesterday or the day before that. Day before went ok, yesterday maybe I should have picked up my work laptop and just checked out my writing at least. Sometimes, maybe I need to have a plan to effectively do something. But sometimes not having a plan works out well too.

Meeting up with a friend yesterday made me realize that I *am* in a really good environment.  I haven’t been thankful for it enough, not from the inside. And I ought to be, because as far as I know people aren’t the gossip-y kind and there is no foolishness going around here. If I really put my heart into this I know I can do really well. I have a lot of freedom and get a lot of perks.

I’m not entirely always rooted in myself, it feels like there is a veil over my inner self at times. But I hope that I’ll be able to ease away from it soon enough. Another thing I really like and something that helps is that I get some amount of privacy with respect to where I sit and so I can I clear my mind and then start working.

And another Sunday rolls in

There is something special about lazy Sundays. Well, any Sunday actually, you have have the power to make them lazy 😀 When the rush of the week winds down and you can let yourself loose and allow your energy to mingle with whatever memories and auras the house holds. The sound of my squabbling parents, feeling time tick by, slowly gradually, remembering at least some of the things that make you who you are… Its rejuvenating. 

After a week of HR related training sessions, I was quite confused about myself, who I was, who I wanted to be and quite literally forget about the existence of independent thought that could wander away from what was shown to us. I’m afraid I’ve come to despise those things because I believe they are pointless and that they limit our perspectives. My mind is clearer now on that subject and my feet are more firmly planted in the stream that has been washing over me all these years. 

Today is when all my observations simmer up for me to remember and relish.

I have always been fascinated by people. And I am thoroughly fascinated by all the different people I see. Sometimes I am confused in their presence, sometimes I am at ease but at the end of my week… Its amazing how similar and different we all are at the same time. 

Life is going at a crazy pace. I have a lot of catching up to do, I have a lot of things to do… but I relish this feeling of peace I have with me for now. 

Observations from a new working girl

  • I miss quality conversations. I’ve been catching up with Pri but our conversations haven’t winded down and wandered down memory lane. I miss my other pri. I haven’t really talked to her in over a freaking month. I haven’t Its talked like that with my boyfriend in AGES because we’re both working… Makes it sound like I’m some 28 year old, nice image in the head really 28 year old working woman, living with her boyfriend. Ah, but no. 😦
  • Trying to hold on to myself, to who I am. TMI, so much that it can clear away EVERYTHING in your head and leave you with an image of what you’re supposed to do, how you’re supposed to behave, supposed to talk, supposed to interact, communicate…!!
  • I think for a month, the new environment held my attention, the new people, all the possibilities (ie. all those glitzed up dreams) entranced me. I’m winding down now though, I’m not interested in running after people because I’m supposed to network and connect. I’m not going to move closer because it would just make everything easier ie. make my life emptier for work to take over. 
  • I do love the aura of the place. Its very open. That’s the best I can do for now. My cynical eyes haven’t filtered down the image in my head, nor am I extensively bubbly and excited about it. There definitely is diversity. But it is annoying as hell when people stick to their languages and do not talk in English. I really lose interest in keep track of the conversation you know. 
  • I learned a couple of lessons and went through a few eye openers. With a little bit of help, I did not allow dregs of inferiority complex to come floating back to me from high school. My faith in my will power has been reaffirmed. I can do whatever I set my mind to do. 
  • Its hard to wind down, more so since I normally have only one day. And no, its actually not as easy as writing down a list of things to do, even if its stuff like do your nails. I mean doing my nails doesn’t have as much as impact on me as writing this post. It has more to do with me getting lost in my own space and finding this side of myself. They are actually two distinct sides and if I’m not in touch with this part that is the majority of me, there’s very little comfort. Going personal has the power to stretch out time, leave long lasting effects and etch things into your memory. 
  • And ALL that talk about weaknesses. I know perfection is something we should reach for and I know that even strengths and weaknesses are decided by us rather implicitly with respect to an abstract perfect persona in our heads, but are they actually weaknesses? For me, no. That’s right, an outright NO. Because there are some characteristics that maybe considered to be a negative, but for me its a characteristic that I do not intend to change. 
  • People and professionalism. Theoretically I *do* get the don’t be friends with colleagues thing.

This may be continued since I have to run now to catch up on a few other things 😀 

Of friends and meet ups.

So I’m meeting up a group of friends tomorrow. As a group we haven’t met in exactly a year. One is leaving for Germany very soon and God knows when we’ll all meet up again! But that isn’t the point of this post. The point is we’re meeting up at a pub. I wouldn’t call it an upscale pub, just a very very very popular one. I mean very popular. And expensive but not as expensive as another one that is a hot favourite.

A lot of the people I know go there, I have been there before but my college life never did get to the point of having a decent sized group that went out every so often. My social life in college was kind of zilch. I didn’t mind it mostly. Now I just feel like a really big girl going off to have a girls night out or something. LOL!

I guess my priorities in life have really kind of changed from what they used to be before. Come holidays, I just HAD to go out, for a movie or shopping or lunch or just roaming about town. It was just one of those things. I don’t really have such a need to do that anymore. Although the one thing that does inevitably happen is that I go shopping. Which I think is justified because I don’t shop otherwise and plus there are AWESOME discounts when I have holidays.

I’ve also grown to be really very comfortable on my own. I haven’t entirely mastered the art of hanging out with more than one person, but I think I’ve finally got the idea of how to handle things. I guess I automatically tend to look at things from a very personal perspective, so I generally seek out a personal connection. But, when I was out with a half my class after graduation, I was pretty much floating about in happy daze. It could be then that I realised that the best thing was to remove the “I” component from the fraction and just concentrate on the people themselves. As in, forget what they’re saying/doing/indicating with respect to you, stop trying to make sense of the scene with respect to you and… just let it flow and give it the attention it deserves. But nonetheless, one on ones have always been very comforting to me. I love the entire lunch and coffee/tea catching up sessions I have with my friends. I absolutely love them. Another development was how comfortable I was with meeting two of my best friends together. Earlier, there was always a tiny bit where I’d be uncomfortable.. But I let this flow too and it turned out to be very nice too. And here I am, right in the morning, feeling so utterly fuzzy thanks to all this talk!